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Pardon me while I climb
up on my soapbox for a minute. The time has come for me to get something
off my chest and it ain’t the grey hairs growing there. I’ve about had
all I can stand and it’s driving me nuts. Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream
eaters are some of the most inconsiderate people in the world and one day
soon I’m going to get the chance to tell them.
I’m a good American, I
like to eat at my local Chinese restaurant using my chopsticks to eat my
fried shrimp and a healthy portion of General Tso’s Chicken. And after I
finish my meal, sometimes I like to eat a bite of ice cream just to settle
in amongst the sweet and sour flavors and sooth any potential
disagreements that might be brewing down there.
But I have come to the
conclusion that some, not all, but a bunch of Mint Chocolate Chip ice
cream eaters either need physical therapy or new glasses, because every
stinkin’ time I try to fix myself a bowl of Neapolitan (personally
mixing the chocolate, vanilla and strawberry flavors in exactly the
correct proportions), I find Green, MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ICE CREAM MIXED IN
WITH THE VANILLA!
I don’t know how hard
it is for people to understand that no matter what weird, ice cream
mixture you want ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS get the vanilla FIRST! You see,
vanilla is one of those flavors that is easily contaminated by chocolate,
cheesecake, and yes, mint chocolate chip. Being white contaminates show up
especially well in vanilla. Mint chocolate chip being green, and mint
being mint, changes the flavor and appeal of Neapolitan completely. There
is no green in Neapolitan!
I’m a careful, quiet
sort of guy who considers his fellow man as a neighbor and looks out for
that neighbor in careful, quiet sort of ways that maybe he or she will
never see and probably never appreciate unless I don’t do those careful,
quiet sort of things and it irritates the stew out of them. For example,
in the process of making my preferred Neapolitan ice cream mix, I wash the
dipping spoon vigorously in the hot water they provide at the restaurant
and then careful dip out the exact amount of Vanilla that I will need to
make the perfect bowl of ice cream. Quick dip in the hot water bowl with
the spoon and then I dip up a smaller portion of Strawberry (with real
frozen strawberries mixed in, preferably big strawberries), being careful
to dip a second time to make sure that I’ve gotten any and all residual
Vanilla that came off the spoon and was left in the Strawberry. Quick dip
in the hot water again, and then straight to the Chocolate, where I get an
even smaller portion of Chocolate since the flavor is so strong it can
actually overwhelm the subtle flavors of the Vanilla and Strawberry to the
point where you might as well have just gotten Chocolate and forgotten
about mixing anything. I would think the perfect ratio is approximately
3-2-1 with Vanilla, Strawberry, and Chocolate respectively.
However, my happy world
of Neapolitan has been destroyed on too many occasions when I wash the
dipping spoon vigorously in the hot water and turn to get the Vanilla and
find horror of horrors: GREEN, MINT CHOCOLATE CHIP ice cream spots all
over the Vanilla and mixed in to the point where a line forms behind me as
I attempt to dig around all of the green spots searching and hoping for
pristine Vanilla to dip into my cup. There are snorts of attitude coming
from behind me as I simply attempt to maintain the perfect balance between
pure Vanilla and Strawberry and Chocolate that is so hard to attain
especially when bespotted with huge green chunks of mint flavored ice
cream.
It is in these moments
when I think that people who like Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream must be
from another planet, because what human would soil the favorite flavor of
ice cream of another human intentionally? What human would care so little
for his or her fellow man that they would do something so thoughtless as
to mix the green stuff with the white stuff by getting the green stuff
first and then contaminating the white stuff by dipping their spoon
directly from green to white?
Surely, I’m not the
only one who understands that Vanilla is a fragile flavor and is easily
corrupted and therefore must be protected. For example, if you mix Vanilla
and Chocolate, the result still tastes like Chocolate. It doesn’t
magically change to Vanilla unless you mix a whole lot of Vanilla in with
the Chocolate. And it only takes just a little bit of Chocolate or any
other flavor to change Vanilla into something else.
Why can’t these Mint
Chocolate Chip people see this? Are they blind or are they just in-human.
Forgive me if I seem a little out of sorts, but the balance of ice cream
flavors are changed forever the first time you take a bit of what you
expect to be a wonderful, cacophony of
Neapolitan flavors only to have your first taste include a big old
green hunk of Mint Chocolate Chip. Intolerable. It is simply Intolerable
and I’m not going to take it any more.
Therefore, whenever I
come across a nest of these in-human, Mint Chocolate Chip eaters who
cannot seem to keep their flavor to themselves, I intend on dipping up
bits of other flavors and dropping them in the Mint Chocolate Chip. Stuff
like Green Tea, Birthday Cake, and Buttered Pecan and we’ll just see how
they like that. Sooner or
later these aliens will get the picture and understand that they can’t
just come here and screw around with Vanilla without there being an
uprising to push back their slovenly ways and peculiar tastes.
Long Live Neapolitan!
Editor’s Note:
The views expressed
by this diatribe do not reflect the views of this website or necessarily
anyone associated with this website. Mint Chocolate Chip Ice Cream lovers
should refrain from sending death threats or other types of malicious
messages to the management since this article was written to entertain,
enlighten and perhaps bring a smile to someone’s face, NOT to enflame
the already sensitive tensions between the Vanilla and Green Mint
Chocolate Chip factions. If you recognize yourself in this article in
anyway, you are probably spending too much time at the ice cream bar at
the local Chinese Restaurant anyway.
Paul
H. Tarver
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